Competition
by ScreamingTemporalDoom
Summary: A new power is ascending in the deep darkness of space. A power that wants to supplant even the Irken Empire. Will they succeed? [COMPLETE]
1. Flarg Rising

Competition

Deep in the deep, dark depths of space... no, deeper. Darker! Darker I say! Wait, wait! Too far, back up a bit. Good... a little more. Stop! Right there!

Ahem. Deep in the dark depths of space sits a small but growing force in the galaxy, centered at the planet of Flarg. On this planet is a young soldier, called Vim. She was fairly typical for her race, physically speaking. Rather short, perhaps a little over a meter tall, with the the glowing blue eyes on her head and the prehensile strands of protein growing from the top. Her skin was a nice healthy yellowish gold color, offsetting her ground-dwelling cillia and manipulator claws nicely.

But she was no ordinary Flargian Soldier. No, she was an elite, the best the Flargian military could produce. And as of this moment, she was being summoned by the Triumvirate Council, the three most advanced computers Flargian science had produced and pretty much ran the Empire.

Vim stepped into the pool of light and stood at attention before the might of the three giant computers. Electricity crackled and lights blinked impressively on self-monitoring control panels.

"Welcome, Soldier Vim!" said the middle computer, it's voice booming and echoing in the cavernous room, "We have chosen you out of all the Flargian military to carry out a special mission for us. Recently, we captured a free-floating escape vessel from a group of freedom fighters known as 'The Resisty'. The occupant told us some disturbing facts."

A screen came into view, showing a small green figure with red eyes and antennae. "This... is a typical member of a race called the Irken. They have apparently been attempting to conquer the galaxy for quite some time. Currently, their holdings are nearly a third of the galaxy."

"Fortunately," the computer on the left piped up, "They are on the other side of the galaxy from us, so we've had no contact with them."

"Unfortunately," the computer on the right interjected, "It is only a matter of time before we do encounter them."

"They must have not gotten our memo stating that it is WE who are destined to conquer the universe!" reported the middle computer again, "Our calculations ind--"

"Wait, did we send a memo?" cut in the right computer, "I mean, that would seem kinda strange. Then everyone would know we're coming."

"I don't remember a memo," confirmed the left computer.

"No, we didn't send a memo!" exclaimed the middle computer, "I was just using poetic license and metaphor!"

"That's a pretty stupid metaphor," said the left computer derisively.

"Yeah, no kidding," agreed the right, "I mean... geez. How does it even follow? We've only conquered a few star systems as it is right now. That's hardly a memo in the metaphoric sense. Maybe a sticky-note."

"Yeah, a sticky-note would be a better analogy."

"Well it doesn't matter!" exclaimed the middle computer irritably, "Forget the accursed memo already! Ahem... as I was saying, Soldier Vim, our calculations indicate that we cannot win in a direct military engagement with their Armada. Given their current rate of advance, they will notice us in a few galactic cycles' time. Before that happens, we need to gather more resources for the coming fight and discover some kind of weakness of the Irken Empire. Your mission is to go here..."

The screen changed to a small blue green planet with large swirly clouds twisting along the surface. "Earth," the comptuer continued, "Our sources indicate that there is a lone Irken 'Invader' on this world. Unlike most of the Irken conquests, this world is far flung from their Empire and is much less likely to be reinforced in readiness by their Armada, making it perfect for our purposes.

It is also very close to our own region of space, making it ripe for our own conquest. Your mission, Soldier, is to go to this Earth, blend in with the native inhabitants, research the Irken there, acquire and study any Irken technology you find, and discover any weaknesses you can. In addition, you should prepare the inhabitants of this world for our own invasion forces. We will need more worlds if we hope to combat the Irken menace."

"Understood, sirs!" Vim replied, saluting smartly with her right clawed manipulator, "I am honored to be given this assignment by the Council."

"You should be," replied the middle computer, "We have dispatched some spies on some information retrieval missions. They have returned with some examples of Irken technology that we have reverse engineered for our purposes."

"We got 'em from a garbage dump!" chimed in the right computer.

"Yes, well... at any rate, this is highly alien equipment. There may be some... glitches still in the systems. This is also unlikely to be the most advanced Irken machinery available, so avoid a direct confrontation if you can."

"End of line," all three computers said before going dark, leaving Vim alone in the night.

"Um... hello? Sirs? Could you wake up for a moment? The door won't work without power. Uh... hello? I can't get out!"

Several hours later, Vim had managed to free herself from the darkened room and was on her way to Requisitions to retrieve her reverse engineered loot.

"I am Vim!" the petite yellow skinned alien reported to the robotic requisitions drone, "I am here to pick up the special equipment for my secret mission."

"Okee dokey, let's see what I got for ya," the drone replied, rummaging around the surprisingly messy requisitions center, "Lessee... one Secret Base In a Box. One hard-holographic disguise kit. A box of ToastSnax (tm). The keys to your own Experimental Flarg Interdictor. Oh! And a Robotic Information-retrieval Drone. Or RID. Here ya go!"

The drone dumped the goods at Vim's cillia, her blue eyes looking down at the heap of junk. "Huh. Okay." Suddenly, the pile moved and up popped a small robot form, the eyes and panels of it's shoulders and torso glowing an evil red.

"Sir! RID is ready and reporting for duty, sir!" the small robot said in an annoyingly high-squeaky voice as it saluted smartly.

"Excellent," Vim replied, folding her claws behind her back, "RID! Outline your functionality."

"Primary functions include information retrieval and storage, security, and snack-making, sir!"

"Primary functions?" Vim asked, narrowing her blue eyes at the small robot, "And what about secondary functions?"

The small robot paused for a while, beginning to vibrate. The vibrating began to grow more and more pronounced, eventually seeming like the small device would explode. Vim cringed in preparation for the inevitable when the small robot stopped and opened it's head, out popping some horribly charred toast.

"I also make toast!! I's make it good!" RID screamed, grabbing the breaded product and gobbling it down quickly, "Mmm, thems good eatin'!"

Vim stared for a moment. A few glitches, the Council had said. This was to be expected. Still, it wasn't too bad. The young Flargian solider dug in the heap of junk, pulling out a small silver key with two fuzzy spheroids attached by a bit of string. "Very well, RID! Gather up the equipment and follow me to our specially enhanced Interdictor. Our mission begins now!"

As she marched off with overloaded minion in tow, the requisitions drone waved one of it's many robotic arms. "Have fun storming the planet! Safe trip now!"


	2. Arrival

  


Chapter 2: Arrival

"Yesss, yesss!" Zim hissed as his hands hovered over the controls, red eyes fixed on the containment chamber before him, "That's it, my little beavers, dance! DANCE! DANCE FOR ZIM!"

Zim cackled madly as the two fine beaver specimens inside the chamber did, in fact, dance. It was a square dance. Complete with tiny straw hats. "Finally! My plan is coming to fruition!" exclaimed the small green Irken Invader, "Soon I will control the dancing of all the beavers on Earth!"

His laughing was cut off suddenly by an alarm klaxon and a screen snaking down to his face. "Eh?" he asked, peering at the screen, "What is this?"

"Unknown power signature detected in low earth orbit!" the deep, mechanical voice of Zim's base intoned as a small computer-generated image of the earth as well as a small blinking dot appeared on the screen.

"Eh?" Zim grunted, peering at the screen, "Unknown power signature? Here? Impossible! The Irken Empire has cataloged all known races' power signatures! Computer! Put up a harmonics analysis of the signature on screen."

"Processing... PROCESSING!" the computer exclaimed before showing the requested data to Zim.

"Whaaat?" Zim queried, staring suspiciously at the data before him, "This can't be true. That power signature is close to an Irken one... but different somehow." Zim pondered for a few moments more before calling out, "Gir! Get down here!"

Within moments, the small robot was in the lab, falling from a recess in the ceiling, soaking wet and smelling of popcorn. Gir lept to attention and saluted, eyes flashing crimson for a moment before shifting into the more normal cyan, "Yes, my master!"

"Gir, there's something wrong with the sensors," Zim stated, glaring at the little robot suspiciously, "You haven't been stuffing cheese into the sensor grid again, have you?"

"Yes!" Gir exclaimed happily before running around in circles for a moment then stopping, "I like to feeeeeed the computer!"

Zim grimaced and gritted his tooth-like appendages. "Grr! Gir! You must stop damaging our equipment! I need all our base's functionality if I am to destroy these filthy earth slugs!" Zim turned away from the robot who began to twirl in place, "Computer! Send some cleaning and repair drones down to the sensor grid and repair the cheesy damage."

"Internal diagnostic reports no fermented cow excretions present!" the computer replied.

"Eh? No cheese?" Zim asked in surprise before turning back to the screen, "But does that mean this really exists? What could it be? What? AAAAAH! Computer! It's gone! Where is the signal?!"

Sure enough, the little blinking green dot had disappeared from the screen. "Signature acquisition lost!"

"What? How?!"

"Internal diagnostic reports now there IS fermented cow excretions in the sensor core."

Zim almost exploded in rage. "Gir!!!"

Vim smiled at her new holographic body and human dwelling. The Irken technology was surely gifted at subterfuge. She was now a human child with blonde hair and blue eyes. Rather disturbingly thin as well, and wearing a horizontally black and yellow striped shirt and matching skirt. Having completed her costume and created her base, she next turned to Rid, stroking her new chin thoughtfully. "Mm. We need you to blend in. What kind of pets do these humans have?"

The small robot popped out an impossibly large monitor from it's head and began displaying typical earth pets.

"Dog? Hmm. No, no. Too smelly. Cat? Ugh, no. Too hairbally. Pig? Hmm... too much pork, I think. Aha! That's it! Perfect!" Vim grinned as an image paused on the screen. A few touches of controls later, and Rid's image shimmered, becoming that of a rather oversized, but still cute, gerbil.

"Perfect, Rid!" Vim exclaimed as she walked into the house, the gerbil following, "Now we need to get into these human computers and be setup as a normal human family. Then, we begin our search for the mighty Irken Invader of this planet."

The door closed behind her with finality.

"Class, today we have yet another futile life being added to this hopeless and horrible group," Ms. Bitters announced to the assembled students, "We can only hope that her time on this earth will be as short and meaningless as yours." The withered husk of a teacher pointed a claw like finger at the blonde, snarling, "Introduce your horrible self then take a horrible seat."

Vim's eyes gazed out at the sea of blank stares in front of her, searching the class. Scanning back and forth, the blonde alien did a double-take on seeing Zim. He looked... most inhuman. Could he be the famed Irken Invader she sought? No, that was impossible. Surely he would have a much better disguise. That ruse wouldn't fool anyone. On the opposite side of the room another figure caught her attention. My goodness! Look at the size of his head!

"Uhm, hi!" she called out to the group of disinterested faces, "I'm Vim. I just moved here, so, um... I don't really know my way around. Anyway, I hope I can have lots of friends! Uh... that's all I guess!" Eager to avoid attention, at least for now, the girl took the only empty seat, right next to the big-headed boy.

"Today we will learn how much of life is full of futile empty nothingness," Ms. Bitters proclaimed sourly as Vim sat down, "You will all be tested on how well you describe dying alone and afraid. Open your wildlife survival manuals to the description of the disemboweling of a woodland creature."

Nothing in all of Vim's military experience could have prepared her for the Skool. It was the most depressing, mind numbing, boring form of torture she had ever endured. Still, she took copious notes; the system might be useful back on Flarg for interrogation purposes.

"Zim looks preoccupied today," the large craniumed child next to Vim muttered to himself, staring at the green figure. He did, in fact, look rather worried and preoccupied. "What's the matter, Zim?" Dib piped up calling over to the other side of the room, "Did your alien leaders laugh at your stupid attempts at world domination?"

Zim glared at Dib through his contacts. "Nonsense, Dib-stink! I was merely... studying! Yes! For this filthy earth test involving gutted earth-monsters! You speak madness! MADNESS!"

A girl behind Zim sighed and held her head in her hands. "Not again..."

Vim perked up at this sudden animation in the otherwise dreary class. For her part, Ms. Bitters appeared unaware that anyone was talking over her droning, scratching voice. Either that or she didn't care. Probably the latter. Vim leaned to the side and asked one of the children, "What's going on?"

"Oh, that's just crazy Dib. He keeps insisting the green kid is an alien. Phish. He's not an alien. He has a skin condition."

Vim nodded slowly, taking another look at Zim. Hmm. Skin condition? Or was it possible he really was an alien? Perhaps the Invader she needed to find? If so... wow, that would be lucky. She discovers him the first day here on this wretched rock! And with such a large planet, too! Blue eyes shifted towards Dib curiously. Hmm. Perhaps he would know more...

"Silence!" Ms. Bitters suddenly said, coming out of her catatonic stupor, "No more talking! The next one who talks has to sit... in the corner." A hush fell over the class as everyone glanced at a corner of the room, covered in deep, unnatural shadow, with glowing sickly green eyes flickering in the depths. The strange sound of cicadas and flickering shadows that were disturbingly reminiscent of tentacles gibbered in the depths.

No one spoke until lunch.

Vim eyed the school lunch with distinct distaste. Was that green pod still moving?! Why did these horrible 'pea' things have hair? She shuddered hard and looked around the lunch room. Hmm. There was Zim and nearby, staring at him was the Dib child. Vim hesitated, then made her way towards Dib's table. After all, if Zim was the alien she was after... it was better he learned as little as he could from her.

"Uhm, hi, is this seat taken?" Vim asked, sitting down in front of Dib. The big headed boy blinked in surprise then leaned over a bit to try and look behind Vim. "Not really, but could you move? I'm obsessively watching Zim. You never know when he will pull something, y'know? I have to be ready for anything, for the sake of the human race!"

Vim stared blankly for a bit then slid over a bit, facing Gaz who was, as usual, deeply engrossed in a game. For a moment, Vim sat quietly, looking between the two. Finally, though, she cleared her throat. "Uhm, I heard that, uh... you think Zim is an alien?"

Dib's eyes flickered to Vim for a moment, his eye twitching, "He is an alien! I don't see how anyone can't see it! I mean look at him!" Dib motioned towards the Invader, "He has green skin! No ears! And he never eats the food! I mean, c'mon!" Gaz's teeth clenched in annoyance as Dib rambled. "He's been trying to take over the planet, but no one believes me! Oh, but they'll be sorry. They'll all be sorry once I expose him for what he is!" He frowned darkly, "You probably think I'm crazy, don't you?"

Vim hesitated. He sure seemed a little unhinged. Still... she needed more information. "Well. Uh. I... like to keep my mind open!" she replied with a charming smile, "Perhaps you could... show me everything you know about him? Maybe that will convince me he's an alien?"

Dib blinked twice, staring at Vim in shock. "What? You're not just going to say I'm crazy? Wow! No one ever has been interested in my paranormal studies. Well, except for Tak, but she doesn't count."

Vim stared blankly. "Tak?" she questioned.

"Long story, not important," Dib replied dismissively. "Anyway... if you're serious and not just saying things because you're afraid I'll freak out – I won't by the way; I'm sane! -- come to my house after Skool. Let me give you the address..."


	3. The Mysterious Case of the Missing Stuff...

Thanks to all (two) of you who wrote reviews! It's much appreciated! I'll go skin a moose in your honor! Kind of a shorter chapter today, but hopefully still good. This all might seem random, but believe me! It's all working up to something. Yesss. There is method to my madness! 

10-18-2004 edit -- Whoa! A kind reviewer pointed out a continuity error in the text to me. You were right; apparently the Massive HAS been the flagship for quite some time. No matter, a quick change to the dialog and all is right with the world again.

Special thanks to Invader Meow! I added a short little bit at the end just for you! Thanks for the head's up!

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Chapter 3: The Mysterious Case of the Missing Stuff, Part 1

Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, the a fleet of purplish ships was flying through the void of space. The fleet was dominated by the largest vessel seen in space; the Massive and the Irken Empire's flagship.

Inside this gargantuan spaceship, Tallest Purple snacked loudly on crunchy munchy chips as Tallest Red lounged on one of the comfy chairs, looking over various reports.

"Man, why do we have to read this stuff?" Red complained, waving the small computer console in his hands, "I mean, hey! We're the Tallest! There's important snacking to be done!"

Purple made a muffled sound of agreement from the mass of semi-chewed chips stuffed in his maw.

"I mean, look at this one!" Red continued, pointing at one of the random items on the list, "Some old junk left over from Operation Impending Doom One has gone missing on one of the scrap planets. Who cares! It's junk!"

Purple swallowed and nodded, waving the sack of chips at his co-leader, "Yeah! Don't they know we have much more important things to do than look over missing stuff? What's all that disappeared, anyway?"

Red narrowed his crimson eyes to peer at the console appraisingly, "Mm, not much. Some old power cores. A few of the old type of SIR units. A bunch of holographic junk. The Colossal--"

Both Tallest froze, Purple's food-stuffed gob hanging open as he stared at Red. Purple swallowed again then regained his voice. "The Colossal?" he asked, narrowing an eye suspiciously, "As in, the former flagship Colossal? The Colossal prior Tallest used to ride around in before we got the Massive? That Colossal?"

"That's what it says," Red confirmed, frowning, "But that can't be right. It has to be a mistake! The Colossal was over half the size of the Massive! How could it just disappear?"

As the two Irken leaders pondered how that was possible, one of the Irken soldiers piped up, "Incoming transmission... from Earth!"

Both Tallest sighed and groaned as the Massive's main viewscreen shifted to reveal a picture of Zim in his lab.

It was a rather disturbing picture of Zim as well.

For some reason, he was dressed in a suit reminiscent of a beaver, complete with flat tail. In the background, several real beaver danced amid flashing disco lights and funky music, with Gir leading the movements.

The Tallest were understandably horrified.

"My Tallest! I'm sorry for not calling earlier with a status report but – Gir! How many times must I tell you! The beavers must dance to this smelly 'country' styled earth aural filth if my plan is to succeed! No more disco! Ever!"

Gir immediately exploded into a torrential flood of screaming and tears which mercifully ended just a moment later with the small robot collapsing in sleep.

Tallest Red pointed a shaky finger at the screen and managed to choke out, "Why are you dressed like that?"

"It's all part of my newest ingenious plan to exterminate the humans, my Tallest," Zim reported triumphantly, "I'll tell you all about it in a moment. But first! I need some information. I encountered a strange energy signature recently, but my files have no record of it. I need to use the Massive's database to see if there is any similarity with other races. Since my database may be out of date, I need to use yours. I attempted to gain access with a level one security access, but for some reason it was denied."

Red's eye twitched. At least he was glad that the changing access codes to the Massive had managed to prevent Zim from doing something incredibly stupid to the flagship. Again. "Look, Zim," he said, "We don't have any more information than you do. You should get automatic updates to your database through communication channels. You're an Invader, Zim! Just do... whatever it is you do."

Zim blinked then pondered. "Yeeess," he whispered to himself, "You are wise, my Tallest! I will research this new energy signature and report my findings! No new alien race will get the better of ZIM!"

"You do that, Zim," Purple stated flatly before stuffing more chips into his mouth, "Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go. Now."

"Wait!" Zim screeched, "I haven't explained my amazing dancing beaver plan yet!"

"Sorry Zim! No time!" Red replied quickly, "We have a, uh... a mystery to solve! So we'll be out of communication for some time! Bye!" Purple made the motion to cut the line and a dutiful Irken Soldier did as ordered.

Purple sighed in relief as Zim's image abruptly cut from the screen, "Man, he's getting more and more crazy each time we see him. Imagine! Finding an unknown alien race out there. It's the middle of no where!"

Purple and Red began to laugh hysterically at the thought. One particularly unwise soldier made a poor decision and spoke, "But, uh... what about the humans? We didn't even know there was a planet there for sure until Zim was sent to earth."

The Tallest abruptly stopped laughing and glared at the Irken who spoke. "That does it!" Red declared, "You, soldier, are to be re-encoded as a... uh... I donno. A snack intern!"

"Yeah!" Purple cried out, "Snack Intern! Enjoy your time swabbing out the protein stacks!"

Red leaned back on the comfy chair as the protesting screams of the demoted soldier faded in the distance, basking in the afterglow of a job well done. "Well. What should we do now? Should we go and see what's up with this garbage that's gone?"

Purple paused then shrugged, "Yeah, I guess. There's nothing else to do, really. And hey! We can officially go on silent mode, thereby having an excuse not to talk to Zim!"

Red grinned brightly, "Hey! Great idea! Okay, then. Set a course for..." The Tallest looked down at the notes in his hands, "... Disposia seven! Activate silent mode! And bring some of those little oozing doodles I like so much."

"Yaay! Oozing doodles!" Purple cheered, tossing the remainder of his bag of chips to the four winds.

Back on earth, Zim stared at the blank monitor. Setting his lip less face into an expression of determination, the little Irken Invader whirled around and shed his amazing beaver costume. "Gir!" Zim shouted, "We have to put the dancing beaver plan on hold for a while. I have been given a special mission by the Tallest! YES! I must find the source of these anomalous readings before I can destroy all mankind! Come! We have work to do."

With that, Zim marched from the beaver containment area, the door closing behind him.

Gir stared after his master for a moment then turned back to the still dancing beavers. "I gotta go, beavers. Here! Tickle a piggie while I'm gone!" Gir squealed insanely, retrieving a small rubber piggie from his head and stuffing it between one of the beaver's teeth before turning and running for the exit. "The bacon! The bacon is after me!"


	4. Toasted Catastrophe

Wow! At least three people have read my little story! I am glowing with praise like a nuclear pile about to go critical! Yaaay! Thank you all!

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Chapter 4: Toasted Catastrophe

What a harrowing day at Skool. Vim was thankful to be back at her base, though she peered down at the slip of paper in her fingers with Dib's address.

"Should I go?" she asked to no one in particular as she strode up her walkway, "The boy did seem insane. But on the other hand, may know something about Zim. Hmm..." Pulling the handle, the Flargian soldier pushed the door inwards.

But it didn't budge.

"Strange. Something must be blocking it," Vim murmured pressing her holographic shoulder against the frame and pushing hard. Several times she tried, the door sticking fast. Finally, after a mighty push, there was a horrific crackle and crunched and the door opened wide enough for the Flargian to slip inside.

What she saw nearly floored her. Jaw dropping and eyes going large, she saw the entire house as far as could be scene covered with piles and piles of toast. Some of the piles were buttered, some were coated with jam, but a lot were simply plain. They were all horribly burnt.

"What... what is the meaning of – AAAAAGH!!" Vim screamed as one of the piles teetered and collapsed on her, burying her in a grave of breakfasty doom. Only her arm poked out of the toast debris, waving manically.

"I made toast!" screamed a high-pitched mechanical voice as Rid, sans costume, bounded into the living room with a plate of toast covered in some kind of syrup. The little robot paused, noticing the flailing appendage and gasped in horror, dropping the plate. "Oh no! My toast is in trouble! I'll save you, breadery goodness!"

Rid struck a pose then dived into the pile, amazingly doing a breast-stroke through the burnt bread. Reaching the failing arm, the robot dug deep, pulling Vim's head up from the suffocating pile. She gasped for breath, clawing at the toast.

"Mistress!" Rid said cheerfully, "I made you toast!" Suddenly, Rid's voice changed to a sing-songy tone, "It was very naughty of you to disturb my zen toast garden. But I forgive you. The toast knows all!"

Vim gritted her teeth and clawed the rest of her way from the pile, flopping down on the ground and breathing heavily. After a few moments, she picked herself up and glared at Rid who was happily humming as it straightened up the damaged toast pile. "Rid! What have you done?! This is unconscionable!"

Rid just stared at Vim like a cow looks at an oncoming train.

Vim gritted her teeth again. "Rid. I order you to remove all this unsightly toast from the house. Got it? Now, Rid!"

Rid's eyes watered with tears. "You... you don't want any toast?" Suddenly the robot exploded in a shrill whine of tears, "NO TOAST? HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE NO TOAST! I CAN'T BE RID OF THE TOAST! THE TOAST IS MY FRIEND! DON'T TAKE AWAY MY HAPPINESS!"

"I said now, Rid!"

Rid paused a moment then smiled brightly, "Okay!" With that, the robot plunged into a pile of toast, sending it clattering to the ground and causing a chain reaction that brought the rest of Toast Hinge down with it.

Several hours later, Vim had managed to extract herself from the toast by carving an elaborate system of tunnels through the scattered pieces.

"I think this sets my mind," she stated flatly, "Rid! I'm going out for an intelligence gathering mission. I want all this toast gone by the time I'm back, got it?"

Rid popped up from somewhere in the sea of bread and saluted, "Yes, my lord!"

Vim grunted once and waded her way to the door, stepping outside. Brushing a few crumbs from herself, Vim started walking when Rid suddenly appeared, complete with hamster guise.

"Mistress! Mistress! Wait! WAIT! You need snacks!" the little robot chirped, holding up a box of ToastSnax (tm) and shaking it, "You can't leave without a snack!"

Vim stared down at Rid then swiped the box. "Very well. But remember what I said. No toast inside when I return, understand? I'll be back in a few hours." With that, Vim turned on her heel and marched off.


	5. Unfun and Games

Whew! Man, Dib is really difficult to write for. It's hard to get that right mix of desperate desire, determination and intelligence. I hope my efforts weren't supremely bad. Hope ya'll enjoy!

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Chapter 5: Unfun and Games

Back at Zim's base, Gir sat on the couch in his green doggie outfit, holding a fan of cards in his paws. On the other side of the couch was a furry lump of an aardvark wearing a Mexican hat and also having a set of cards before him.

"Do you have any MEEEEEEEAT?" Gir asked, peering at his lethargic opponent. The aardvark merely blinked lazily. "Go fish!" cried Gir, exploding into a fit of insane giggling.

At that moment, Zim walked into the living room from the kitchen. "Gir!" he exclaimed, "I have completed my preliminary studies of the strange power signature. It is most troubling."

Zim began to pace, his hands folded behind his back. Gir didn't appear to notice or care. "After calculating the trajectory of the unknown craft from the little data I had collected before, I sent a small probe out to investigate. While there were quite a lot of weenies to be found, there was no tell-tale smoking crater of doom. Or any signs of destruction for that matter." Zim suddenly stopped his pacing and whirled towards his robotic companion, "Do you know what this means, Gir?"

Gir gasped in surprise and horror, launching himself from the couch. "Oh no! OH NO!" screamed the robot, "ICE CREAM!" In a panic, Gir began running around in circles, screaming his little head off.

Zim just stared blankly for a moment before sighing heavily. "No, Gir. It means that whoever or whatever that signature was didn't crash here or was forced to land. Which means they must have come here on purpose!"

"Chocolate sprinkles! CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES!!" Gir continued screaming.

"Yes," Zim continued, ignoring the small robot and narrowing his eyes dangerously, "It seems we have some... competition. But who?"

"I have a good feeling about this, Gaz," Dib stated excitedly as he readied a presentation on Zim in front of the big TV, "Finally, I think I'm going to find someone who believes me!"

Gaz clenched her teeth in irritation. "I'm trying to play Super Cherry Deathrace XR," she stated dangerously, "And your giant head is blocking my view of the Artichoke Armageddon. Go. Away. NOW."

Dib wasn't listening. "Imagine! I will finally have a partner in my lonely quest. And if there's one, there's probably more! Yes! Soon there will be an entire city of people who will believe Zim is an alien!"

"She doesn't think Zim is an alien," Gaz noted sourly, "She just said she'd keep an open mind. That's assuming she even comes here and wasn't scared away by your weirdness."

"Maybe she doesn't think so now," Dib replied, grinning broadly, "But I've carefully gathered enough evidence that I think I can convince someone who doesn't need much real proof."

"Whatever," Gaz muttered darkly, "Just move now, Dib, unless you wish to face my cherry-induced wrath."

Just then the doorbell rang and Dib went to go answer it, mercifully avoiding Gaz's wrath. Vim stood there, looking about the Membrane yard suspiciously.

"Great! You're here!" Dib exclaimed, "I knew you weren't like all the rest. Come in... Vim, right?"

"Yes," Vim replied, stepping into the house and peering around the room curiously, "I am Vim. A, uh... nice house you have here."

"Thanks," Dib replied, motioning over to the large TV that dominated the living room, "I prepared a presentation on everything I know about Zim. I'm sure, after you see it, you will agree that he's an alien."

"We shall see," Vim replied, eyes locking on Gaz, "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's just my sister. She occasionally helps me with my paranormal studies. Just ignore her for now."

Gaz gritted her teeth again, glaring daggers at her brother, "Need I remind you? Cherry wrath, Dib. Cherry wrath."

Vim stared blankly before looking back over at Dib, "Hey, what is your last name, anyway?"

"Oh! Right, I guess I haven't told you," Dib replied with a smile, "It's --"

"Son!" interrupted a floating screen with a picture of Professor Membrane, "You are required IN THE KITCHEN!"

Dib sighed, shaking his head, "Rats. Okay, Vim, I'll be right back. Just make yourself at home, okay? Then when I get back, man! You are going to listen to SUCH presentation!" Dib ran off in the direction of the kitchen, leaving Vim standing there.

For a few quiet moments, Vim just stood watching the flashing images of cars shaped like various fruits and vegetables on the screen, careening into masses of firey death. The carnage bore an amazing resemblance to the training simulators she used in boot camp.

"What's that?" Vim asked, pointing to the device in Gaz's hand.

"A video game controller," Gaz muttered.

"Video... game?" Vim asked, arching an eyebrow, "As in... this thing is some kind of entertainment?"

"Yes."

Vim paused briefly, watching Gaz as she tore up the other fruit cars. "... Can I play?"

Gaz stopped and opened one eye fully, slowly turning a murderous look to the other girl.

In the other room, Professor Membrane was deep in an important experiment. He dutifully took copious notes as a shaved poodle stood on one leg and spun plates. Dib was nonplussed at the scene when he arrived.

"Dad, I'm here. What is it?"

"Ah, good, son!" Professor Membrane stated turning his attention away from the poodle and towards his big headed child, "I noticed that you brought a little friend over today. Clearly this is a good sign that your MASSIVE INSANITY is in remission and you will soon take up Real Science. As a result, I am increasing your allowance by twenty-eight point FOUR percent!"

"Wow! Thanks, Dad!"

"There is more!" Professor Membrane declared, raising a gloved hand dramatically, "As a special treat, you may choose tonight's dinner."

"I can't tonight, Dad," Dib said hurriedly, "I have to make a presentation about the alien to Vim! It will take several hours, so I'm going to just skip dinner tonight."

"Hmm," mused the labcoated senior, "It seems you are still quite mad. But at least things do seem to be looking up! Perhaps talking about your demented 'parascience' with your friend will help further."

"Yeah, well... I better get back to her before she decides to make a run for it," Dib replied turning and running back to the living room.

Professor Membrane looked after the big headed boy and sighed, shaking his head as he returned to the plate-spinning poodle, "My poor insane son."

A cry of shock and surprise was pulled from Dib's lips as he reentered the living room. There was Gaz and Vim, both sitting on the couch, each with a controller in their hands and playing the Cherry Deathrace game. Gaz was quiet and concentrated while Vim was considerably more animated. Still, it was clear by the score on the screen that Gaz was stomping Vim.

"What are you doing?!" Dib cried out, running towards the pair, "The alien! THE ALIEN!"

Vim passed an annoyed look to Dib, but sighed. Yes, she was having a blast, but she did have a mission. "Well, I better listen to your brother now," she stated in disappointment to Gaz.

"If his voice ends up burrowing into your brain, there are cyanide pills in the bathroom cupboard," Gaz replied matter-of-factly.

"Thanks, I..." Vim's voice faded off as a confused expression appeared on her features, "Wait, why do you have a deadly toxin in your medicine cabinet?"

Gaz merely shrugged. "Y'know... you're not bad. With some practice you could be pretty good. When Dib inevitably makes you want to jab sharp objects in his eyes, you're still free to come over and play some video games with me." That said, Gaz unplugged her GameSlave 2 from the large television and walked off.

Dib laughed uncomfortably, "Sorry about that. My sister just sometimes doesn't understand that the fate of the world is in the balance here."

"Right, whatever," Vim muttered, already missing the game as she settled back on the couch as Dib set up and began a slideshow.

"Okay, exhibit 'A': Zim's 'skin condition'..."


	6. Dinner With Dib

Sniff, sniff. You love me! You really love me! Thanks again for all your wonderful reviews! It does my dark, embittered heart good.

In response to Gamefan... no, I don't think this will turn into a lame romance. IF there is any romance, it will be of the decidedly twisted and Zim-like variety.

Onto the fic!

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Chapter 6: Dinner With Dib

"And then he tried to turn me into baloney! I still remember the horrible dogs. I was clued in on his plan when I noticed I was incredibly delicious."

Vim sat on the couch, a faint line of drool falling from her mouth, her blue eyes at odd angles. Dib kept talking, pointing out various 'exhibits' proving Zim's alienitude. He was now on Exhibit CDF.

At first, Vim had tried to listen, keeping careful notes as the big headed boy rambled. While she had learned some interesting information, the boredom had managed to get to her over the intervening three hours. She desperately wanted to go and get those cyanide pills.

"Dib, stop," Vim stated weakly, "Stop, for all that is good and decent in the universe, please stop."

Dib did indeed stop, blinking in surprise, "Is something wrong, Vim?"

"Can't we take a break? Please?" Vim was almost pleading.

Dib considered. "Hmm, well, okay. I guess I am kinda hungry. I think Bloaty's is still open. I could order a pizza?"

Vim's eye twitched spasmodically. She had enough of this horrible earth food at Skool. "Uhm, no thanks," she muttered, taking out the box of ToastSnax(tm) that Rid had given her. Bless that little robot for making her take a snack.

"You don't like pizza?" Dib asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. What kind of kid didn't like pizza?

Vim was stunned for a moment as she struggled to come up with an excuse. "Uhm, it's not that. I love pizza! I just, uh... have a lot of food allergies. Yeah. Food allergies. So I have to watch what I eat."

"Food allergies?" Dib questioned suspiciously. After a moment's pause, the large headed child shrugged, "Okay. Man, that must be a pain."

"It sure is," Vim stated, digging into the box and pulling out a handful of the small swirled squares and stuffing them into her mouth. She gave a sigh of bliss.

"Hey, what are those?" Dib asked, pointing to the ToastSnax(tm) box, "I don't think I've seen that brand before. Or even that snack."

"Oh, um... I think they're local to where I used to live," Vim replied. It was true, after all. "My parents get some for me when they're traveling and stuff."

Dib nodded in sympathy. "So your parents are away a lot too, huh? I know how that is. My Dad is usually away at the lab. Can I have some of those?"

Vim paused, looking down at the box then back at Dib. She really didn't know how the alien snacks would react with the earthling's body chemistry. It could kill him... or worse. "Sure!" she replied cheerfully, offering Dib the box.

"Thanks!" Dib stated with a smile as he took out a handful of the out-of-this-world treat and popped them in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "Mm, not bad."

Vim was mildly disappointedly. She was hoping he'd explode, or maybe have his head shrunk or something. Or well. "What does your father do for a living?"

"He's Professor Membrane!" Dib replied, chest swelling with pride. Vim just stared blankly.

"The Professor Membrane."

More blank staring.

Once again, Dib's suspicions were aroused, "Oh, come on. Surely you know Professor Membrane? The world's greatest scientist? He has the television show?"

"Oh, yes! Of course! That Professor Membrane" Vim exclaimed, trying to cover up her ignorance. It figures. The lunatic had a famous father. "Sorry, I must be tired. First day of skool and all."

"Yeah, I guess it is getting kinda late," Dib replied, looking over at a clock in the shape of his father, "Okay, we can continue this tomorrow, I guess. Maybe I'll show you Tak's ship."

Vim was already halfway to the door. Continue? Tomorrow? HA! Like that would ever happen. The boy was obviously insane, even IF Zim really was an alien. She stopped mid-step then whirled around on Dib.

"Tak's ship? As in the other alien you mentioned with the weenie stand? That Tak? You... you have an alien vessel?"

"Yeah," Dib replied, nodding, "I thought I mentioned that."

In an instant, Vim was on Dib, gripping the lapels of his trenchcoat and shaking him violently, "WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS THIS IRKEN SHIP! I MUST SEE IT!"

Dib pulled himself away with effort and looked at Vim like she had lobsters crawling out of her ears. "Geez! What's wrong with you? It's in my garage. This way..."

Dib led the way out to the garage and turned on the light, motioning to the large dark purple ship that dominated the scene.

Vim's eyes grew wide. Modern Irken technology! Right here, at her fingertips! Suddenly, she whirled on Dib, "Dib! I believe you! I wasn't sure at first, but after seeing this, I am convinced."

If smiles could kill, Dib's would have leveled several cities. "Yes! I knew it! I knew you'd believe me! And together, we can expose the hideous demon from the stars! We'll save mankind!"

"Yes, yes, it will be magical," Vim stated dismissively, drawing her hands over the ship, "It's damaged, but probably still repairable. Dib, let me borrow this alien vessel for a few, uh... tests."

Dib narrowed his eyes again, "Sorry, Vim. It's mine. No offense or anything, but how do I know you wouldn't just try and take all the fame for discovering aliens for yourself? Besides, you seem awfully interested in this. Much more so than you should be."

"You insolent, grragh!!" Vim clenched her fists and choked off a string of insults, forcibly calming herself. "Okay, Dib, you win. We do this together. Tomorrow I'll come over with my gerbil and we'll see what we can figure out."

"Great!" Dib stated with a grin, "Welcome aboard, partner! Wait... why do you need to bring your gerbil to look at an alien spacecraft?"

"It helps me think," the alien girl stated in reply, turning on her heel and heading out, "See you at skool tomorrow, Dib. Zim will certainly fall before our combined might!"


	7. Glitch

Chapter 7: Glitch

"Fascinating," the middle computer stated thoughtfully, looking down on an undisguised Vim bathed in white light, "So these 'video games' look like training simulators? Yet they're some form of entertainment?"

"Yes, Council," Vim replied, folding her claws behind her back.

"Amazing!" said the left computer, "Clearly the Irkens were wise to choose this planet for invading."

"Indeed," affirmed the right computer, "Nearly an entire planetary population raised from birth with military level training? They would have a massive army of expendable shock troops to take difficult worlds!"

Vim hesitated, shifting uneasily on her cilia, "While I would never question the Council's wisdom... I feel you may be in error here. From my own observations, the humans are, with a few exceptions, quite stupid."

"Even better!" chimed in the middle computer, "Stupid, expendable shock troops would never question your orders, no matter how insane or suicidal! I can see why these Irkens have conquered a third of the galaxy."

Vim looked over at a chronometer and saluted smartly. "Sirs! I'm afraid I have to cut communication channels now. I have to leave for this horrible 'skool' thing."

"Wow," said the right computer in faint awe, "Early exposure to such tortures as this 'skool' you described ensures that the humans will be able to handle any form of interrogation. Truly, a brilliant strategy."

"Yes!" stated the middle computer, "Surely these humans are perfect for military exploitation. But we shouldn't keep our good soldier from her research. Keep up the good work, Vim!"

"End of Line," all three computers stated as the lights dimmed and the holographic chamber fizzled out to reveal Vim's living room. The alien girl grunted and turned towards Rid who was busy making toast.

"Rid! You should be ready to leave for the large-skulled one's house when I come back this afternoon. And no more toast."

"Okay!" Rid replied cheerfully, as she set about pressing the handle down on the toaster.

Vim shook her head and pressed a button on the watch on her wrist. Instantly, her disguise formed around her and she turned on her heel, heading for the door.

"Good morning, Gaz!" Dib stated with unusual cheerfulness as he entered the kitchen.

Gaz made an annoyed grunt sound as she poured a bowl of Count Cocofang cereal.

"Things are really looking up for me," Dib said as he hopped in a chair, "I finally have an ally in my battle against evils from space!" Dib's face darkened somewhat, "But... something didn't seem right about Vim. I mean... she didn't seem to know who Dad was. And that excuse about being allergic to foods sounded suspiciously Zim-like."

Gaz glared at her brother. "Oh, so now you're going to say Vim is an alien too?" she asked sarcastically, jamming a spoon full of chocolaty goodness into her mouth.

A worried expression crossed Dib's features. Could it be? "Well. Actually. That would explain a few things. She was really interested in Tak's ship, too. And there was that whole attacking me thing..."

"That last one sounds pretty normal to me."

Dib hesitated then grinned broadly. "You're right, Gaz!" he declared, "I've finally found someone who believes me! I can't let some silly paranoia ruin this chance."

Gaz made a noncommittal grunt in response.

Dib reached for the Cocofang then stopped suddenly, glancing at a clock. "Oh no, Gaz! We're going to be late!"

Vim tapped a foot irritably. Where was Dib? It was almost class time! She glanced over at Ms. Bitters who was apparently quite asleep then sighed, drumming her fingers on her desk. Suddenly she heard an alarming beep from her watch and holoprojector. She glanced down and stared in horror.

There, in large, friendly letters was the message: "Error: Reboot in 5... 4.... 3..."

Vim looked around in panic. Everyone would see her as she really was! Accursed alien technology! Thinking fast, Vim pointed to the window, "Everyone, look! A huge distracting thing!"

Like lemmings, all the class turned towards the window just as Vim's disguise melted away.

Everyone, that is, except for Zim.

Glowing blue eyes stared back at poorly done contacts for several beats before Vim's watch chirped again and her human form rematerialized.

"Hey! I don't see anything distracting!" Torque Smacky said with a frown.

"Oops! I guess it was something in my eye," Vim replied cheerily, casting a sidelong look at Zim.

For his own part, Zim looked quite shocked and was pointing an accusatory finger at the blonde. "IT IS YOU! You're the one! The energy signature!" he shrieked, standing up on his desk, "I should have known the filthy Dib-smelly would be involved! You are his disgusting pig-buddy are you not?!"

The class stared at Zim, then looked to Vim. "You're friends with Dib?" Zita asked, arching an eyebrow, "Eeww, that's not cool."

Zim glared at Vim and she glared back. Briefly, Zim considered trying to expose her to the class, but quickly dismissed that idea. Filthy earth larvae. Even with the mighty superior perceptions of Zim, they'd probably be unable to fathom the alien in their midsts. Besides, it might give them ideas about Dib being right... that was something he couldn't afford.

Just then, Dib staggered inside, panting heavily. "Sorry... I'm late. The skool minefields... hard to dodge."

Suddenly, Ms. Bitters arose from her slumber and snarled at Dib, "Dib! You're late! As punishment, you have to clean the blackboard with your tongue. Go! I will be timing you."

"Man, not even the skool lunch is getting the taste of that blackboard out of my mouth," Dib complained as he sat next to his sister during lunch. Gaz was already deeply engrossed in a game and merely growled in reply.

Vim had brought a packed lunch today and hesitated before going over to sit with Dib. With a sigh, she resigned herself to her fate and sat down on the other side of Gaz. At least she could watch as the purple haired girl played.

"So!" boomed a voice from behind the three, "I see you have enlisted other planetary help, human rat!"

Dib glanced over his shoulder and glared at the speaker. "Zim! What do you want?"

"It's no use trying to cover up, Dib," Zim sneered, "I know all about your extraterrestrial attempts to get help. But it won't do you any good. You can't POSSIBLY fathom my deep and involving plans!"

Dib peered oddly at Zim. He was acting crazier than usual, "What are you talking about, Zim?"

Zim clenched his teeth and pointed to Vim, who was so deeply engrossed in watching Gaz play, that she didn't notice the other two argue. "Her, you fetid beast! I know what she really is! And it won't help you. Do you hear me?!"

Dib was becoming more and more confused, looking between Vim and Zim. "What?"

Zim paused, eyes narrowing dangerously. "You mean you don't know?" he said questioningly. Suddenly, he began to laugh, the sound growing in intensity and volume with each passing minute.

"What are you talking about, Zim?!" Dib demanded, standing up and facing his arch nemesis.

"Use your smelly think-meats, Dib-beast!" Zim sneered, pointing to Vim, "She is not human. She is not of this earth! Need I enlighten you further?!"

Dib blinked, eyes going wide as he looked towards Vim. Was it true? No, it couldn't be! "You're lying, Zim!"

"Am I?" Zim asked smugly, "Are you so stupid that you'd fall for the same thing twice? Remember Tak, hmm?"

Dib's resolve faltered. Tak. She had fooled him too. Could it really be? The young paranormal investigator turned a suddenly suspicious look towards Vim who still seemed blissfully ignorant of the conversation going on just a few centimeters away. Dib steeled himself and shook is head. "No! I don't believe it! You're lying, Zim! You're shaking in your boots because you know that if there's one person who believes me, there's likely to be more!"

"You DARE suggest that Zim's mighty footwear trembles?!" Zim roared before snorting and casting a dismissive wave with his gloved hand, "Bah! It doesn't matter. I'll defeat you both, whether you believe me or not. So says the mighty ZIM!" The little Irken Invader posed dramatically.

It was then that Zim noticed the audience he had garnered. "Um... I'm normal!" he shouted before beating a hasty retreat back to his usual lunchroom seat, glaring at the small group nearby.

"Ha," Dib said triumphantly, crossing his arms over his chest, "Leave it to Zim to try and break up a tight team like us. Right, Vim?"

Vim finally looked up and blinked at Dib, "Eh, what? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Your voice makes me want to stab you in the face repeatedly then feed the remains to a wall."

Dib just stared, not quite sure how to take that statement.


	8. The Mysterious Case of the Missing Stuff...

Kinda a short chapter today. Once again, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. It's much appreciated!

A special virtual cookie for Moga for discovering the meaning behind Vim's name. Good job!

In response to The Architect MkII: Yes, the story will end with a definite conclusion, but said conclusion will be a bit open. Depending on time and response, I may turn this into a series of related stories. I do have a story arc already laid out in my head.

But before I do, I want to work on some other projects. So, we'll see where the future leads!

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Chapter 8: The Mysterious Case of the Missing Stuff, Part 2

Poised over the junk planet, the Irken Armada sat waiting, the collective shadow casting the surface into an unnatural night. A deep spaceship-shaped impression could be seen on the surface of the planet; an ugly scar on an even uglier heavenly body.

Aboard the Massive, Tallest Red waited impatiently for a report from the surface as Purple sat in a snack-induced stupor on a comfortable chair. Suddenly, the door to the Massive's bridge opened, revealing one of the landing party send to investigate the garbage world.

"Well?" Red asked as the smaller Irken soldier approached.

"We couldn't find any clues, my Tallest," the soldier reported, "Except for this." The solider then presented Red with a small opened box.

"'ToastSnax'?" Red read from the box surface, "What is this? This is ALL you found?"

At that moment, Purple awoke from his self-induced near unconsciousness. "Man, that was a nice rest. Oh, hey! Snacks!"

Before anyone could stop him, Purple had floated across the room and snatched the box from Red, thrusting a hand deep into the box and pulled out a claw full of the square, swirly snacks.

"No, don't! Those are--" But Red's warning was too late. Purple stuffed the alien snacks into his maw and chomped on them noisily. The bridge was silent as they watched; no one was sure what would happen.

"WOW!" Purple exclaimed, staring at the box in wonder, "These are amazing! I've never tasted anything so good! What are these, I've never had 'em before. Try one!"

The bridge crew and Red stared at the Tallest for a moment before Red plucked one of the squares from the box and eyed it warily. Cautiously, he put it in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

"Hey, wow, you're right!" Red agreed enthusiastically, "These are fantastically amazing!" His eyes narrowed dangerously, "That means... whatever alien race stole the Colossal has superior snack technology to us! We can't allow this to continue! You!"

Red whirled on some random soldier who looked back and forth before saluting smartly.

"Take this down to the lab and have the Snack Scientists look it over. We MUST have the secret of the 'ToastSnax' for our very own! Go now!"

The solider saluted again and took the box, hurrying off to the Massive's Snack Laboratory.

At that moment, Zim's image suddenly burst forth on the screen, "My Tallest!"

Both Tallest let out a cry of surprise as they whirled on the viewscreen, staring in horror. "What the... hey! We're in silent mode, Zim! How did you contact us?!"

"Oh, I took control of the Massive's long-range communication systems once I realized you were unreachable. Neat, huh?" Zim replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "I knew you'd want to hear the amazing victory of Zim in identifying the horrible alien on earth."

"Yeah yeah yeah, that's great Zim," Purple said dismissively, "But we really need to get back to, uh... what we were doing."

Red nodded in agreement, "Right! So, if you'll excuse us, Zim..."

"My Tallest, wait! It's very imp-" Zim was cut off when Red smashed the long-range communicator.

"There," Red stated, tossing an Irken Shock Stick to the side, accidentally electrocuting some unlucky solider, "That should keep him away from us for the time being. Get someone down here to repair the console and change all the access codes again."

"Yes, sir!"

Back on earth, Zim stared at the static on his viewscreen protruding from his PAK and growled lightly. "Clearly the Tallest require more information before they will be satisfied," Zim said to himself, "Very well! I will follow the yellow slug home from skool today and get more data. Oh, such data will I get..."

The portable viewscreen folded up then returned to the small Invader's PAK as Zim turned and walked out of the stall and exited the bathroom.


	9. Spy vs Spy

Hey folks! Sorry for not updating in a while. Between writers block, moving, and some other junk I just didn't feel all that funny. Hopefully now though I should be able to give you some nice Zim-like weirdness!

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! Those little blurbs really make my day! Anyway, enjoy Chapter 9!

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Chapter 9: Spy vs Spy

Vim could not shake the feeling that she was being watched as she marched down the street. She had stopped several times during the walk home and turned around abruptly, only to be greeted by a deserted street. It must be her imagination. Or worse! Maybe the paranoia of the crazy big-headed boy was rubbing off on her. She shuddered at the thought and hurried home.

Zim was well trained in the art of How Not To Be Seen. He had managed to graduate top in his class on Irk in the subject! True, the reason for this was that horrible accident that burned out all the eyes of the test takers during his run, but nonetheless Zim was a master shadower. Whenever the disguised Flargian would whirl about, Zim would deftly duck behind a bush, or a mailbox, or a giant chicken; whatever happened to be around. The poor little slime was totally unaware of his presence.

Vim hurried up the path of her home and opened the door, sticking her head inside. "Rid! C'mon, let's... RID!! I told you no more toast! And I didn't know you knew how to sculpt."

"It's a gift," Rid said as she exited the house, now in her earth animal disguise, "The Eastern Island heads I'm particularly proud of."

"Yes," Vim stated with a nod, "I'm impressed with the butter pats for eyes. But enough! We must voyage into the heart of the enemy. The big-headed boy awaits!"

Rid walked out then paused, scratching her head adorably with a paw, "But... why are we going for his heart, if he has a bigger head? Won't we have more room there?"

Vim stared blankly at her companion before turning on her heel and marching down the street, the small hench-thing in tow.

"Perfect," Zim purred evilly from his position hidden in a hedgerow, "The disgusting pseudo pig-smelly is leaving. This gives me the opportunity to infiltrate with no interruptions. Now... what kind of defenses does this horribly disguised habit have?" Zim's PAK opened as a set of goggles fell over his eyes, whirring softly as he looked around.

"Ha! Weak and pathetic!" Zim laughed derisively, "Zirconium blasto canons, Vortian tripwires, several types of pie, some kind of string on a piece of toast.... child's play for the mighty Zim! I can hardly believe I'm wasting my time on this filthy and horrible attempt at alien infiltration. The swine girl is fortunate the humans are so incredibly stupid, otherwise she'd be found out in an instant. Aw, well. The Tallest demand it."

The goggles slid back into Zim's PAK as he glared at the seemingly unguarded grounds, readying himself. With a sudden move, he launched himself at the yard, ducking and rolling as two beams of blue light zapped over his head. He jumped up from the roll, flying over several well-hidden electronic tripwires before his spiderlegs sprouted from his PAK and lifted him above a cascade of pies that threatened to cream him. Zim then marched up to the bit of toast on a string and yanked it free, holding it up victoriously. "Yes! I am Zim! No security can keep me away. NONE!"

As he was laughing hysterically, Zim failed to notice the small automated sprinklers that sprung up all over the yard. In a split second, they unleashed their payload, causing Zim to scream in agony as the water splashed against his non-paste-protected skin. "It burns!" he cried, rolling around in agony, "It hurts! Make it stop! Do not dissolve my superior skin!"

Meanwhile, Vim had arrived at Dib's house and stood impatiently at the door, ringing the doorbell several times. The door flew open and there stood Dib, grinning widely. A little too widely, in fact. In truth, Zim's words had gnawed at him constantly since lunch. Could his new ally really be a fiend from beyond the stars? Or was it that Zim was merely trying to destroy this one faint flicker of hope for humanity to see the truth.

In any event, Dib had prepared to find out once and for all.

"Vim! Come in!" Dib said happily, casting a glance down at the strange gerbil beside her, "Wow. That's a big gerbil. What do you feed him?"

"Annoying children," Vim replied gruffly, elbowing her way inside, "Enough banter, Dib. Let me see the alien ship again."

"Sure, no problem," Dib replied with a nod, "Right after we eat. I took the liberty of ordering some pizza. Have some, won't you?" The big headed boy motioned to the living room where sat two boxes of Bloaty's Pizza, one opened and half gone as Gaz sat and played her Gameslave intently.

Vim shuddered as she examined the horribly greasy concoction and shook her head, "No, I told you. I have food allergies."

"Oh, c'mon, please? I ordered so much! Surely your allergies aren't so bad that you can't have ONE piece..."

Vim gritted her teeth in annoyance, "I said NO!"

Suddenly Gaz spoke up, not looking away from the television which danced with pixelated goodness, "Just eat the pizza to make him be quiet. Afterwards, we can stuff the box into his mouth."

The Flargian paused, considering this logic. Hmm... that just may be worth the risk. "Oh, all right," she replied with a sigh, "Just one piece." She moved over to sit on the couch and gingerly took one of the oozing slices.

Dib grinned widely, watching her intently before speaking in a sotto voice to his sister, "Good work, Gaz! She doesn't suspect a thing! She has no idea this is just the first in a series of tests to see if she's an alien!"

Gaz gritted her teeth. "You're still talking," she stated warningly, "I wasn't kidding about the box thing. All of it. In your mouth. At once."

Dib wasn't listening, instead focusing on Vim. Zim couldn't eat earth food; if Vim couldn't either, that would be a black mark on her record. For her own part, Vim studied the pizza as one would a slug plucked from the forest floor. She sniffed at the slice a moment then gingerly fed it into her mouth, taking a shuddering bite and chewing thoughtfully. Dib waited with baited breath. After a moment, she smiled in delight, looking down at the slice in surprise, "Hey, this isn't bad! And, um... it doesn't look like I'm reacting to it. Neat!" Vim turned to watch Gaz play, munching on the pizza.

Dib pursed his lips. Rats! Inconclusive. No matter; this wasn't the last of his tests. "Hey, Vim!" he called out, "I bet that pizza is making you thirsty. Would you like... a glass of water?!" Dib suddenly brandished a glass of clear liquid, tipping it threateningly. Vim glanced over and grunted, taking the glass and gulping down the water. "Ahh," she said when she was finished, "Yeah, thanks. That was pretty good."

Dib frowned slightly. Two tests down. Maybe Vim wasn't an alien. Zim must have been trying to confuse him. Still... only one way to be sure. Quietly, Dib got out his x-ray goggles he had first used to peer inside Zim on the playground. If there was anything different about her, this would tell. He turned them on and --

Suddenly, he found himself being held down, his goggles broken by a sudden impact. "Gaz?! Wait, what are you doing?!"

Gaz waved the now empty (albeit still greasy) pizza box menacingly with one hand. "I told you to be quiet," she said with dangerous calm, "I told you what would happen if you weren't quiet. Open wide." As she began stuffing the cardboard into Dib's mouth, the poor boy gurgling and struggling in resistance, Gaz looked over her shoulder at where Vim was watching with glee, "Go ahead and play while I give Dib his medicine if you want."

Vim squealed happily and picked up the discarded controller and began to play amid the muffled sounds of Dib's punishment, "Thanks!"

An hour later, Dib sat on the couch, scowling with his arms crossed, some elements of the pizza box still sticking out of his mouth. Both Gaz and Vim were playing the Gameslave, Gaz with her usual silent intensity and Vim with her usual vocal exuberance. Dib mumbled something through the protruding cardboard. Vim scowled and looked over at Dib before suddenly remembering what she had come here in the first place for. Reluctantly, she sighed and set the controller down, "Well, Gaz, it's been fun. But I gotta spend time with your stupid brother now, unfortunately. I think I'll get myself my own Gameslave tomorrow or something. This thing is a hoot!" Gaz merely grunted and continued playing.

Vim stood from the couch and pulled the pizza box from Dib's mouth, heading for the garage, "C'mon, let's get this over with." She paused then cocked her head to one side, "Wait... where's Rid, my gerbil?"

As if on queue, Rid appeared from the kitchen, carrying a huge heaping of toast. "Look what I got!" she squealed happily, "The nice man in there and I had a chat about toast! He's gonna use some 'o my ideas for a new version of Super Toast! Super Toast: Millennium Edition! Yaaay!"

Dib blinked several times, "Wait, your gerbil talks?"

Vim nodded, "Yes."

"Gerbils don't talk," Dib replied, looking suspiciously at Vim again.

"Are you so sure?" Vim stated archly, "Maybe they, like most of the population of this planet, simply don't want to talk to you." Gaz snickered in the background. "Come on, time's wasting."

Dib was confused and guarded, but nodded and followed into the garage. More tests would have to be devised. A talking gerbil was just too strange.

Several hours passed in the garage, with Vim looking over every aspect of the deactivated Irken ship, giving meticulous notes to Rid as Dib stood nearby. Dib wasn't used to being the odd man out – well, that was a lie, he was used to it. But not when it came to things that involved Zim. Eventually, Vim completed her investigation and grunted. "Very well, I am pleased with this, Dib. You did good work."

The big headed boy arched his eyebrows and smiled slightly, "Really?"

"Yes," Vim replied with a nod, "Very good job in restoring this Irken junk. Unfortunately, it tells us little of use about their forces. What we need is a spy in Zim's base itself."

Dib rubbed the back of his large head absently, "Well, I did manage to install a small spy device a while back, but he found it and used it to reactivate Tak's personality on the ship."

"Hmm," Vim replied, rubbing her chin in thought, "Well, we'll just have to install another one. It won't be easy... it will take a week of intense training and planning. But I think we can do it." Vim smiled, "What do you say, Dib?"

Optimism once again shined in Dib's features. How could he have doubted Vim's humanity? Clearly she was just as concerned about Zim's invasion plans as him. A true earth patriot! "That sounds great!"

"Excellent!" Vim stated with a nod, "Now, it's important you be in top physical condition before we attempt this. Give me three-thousand push ups while I go and play some more Gameslave with your delightful sister." She turned on a heel and walked back to the main house.

"Welcome home, son!"

Zim fell face-first into his house, his wig off kilter, one of the contacts slipping from his eye, and his skin burnt and sizzling with a faint coating of butter.

"You're popcorn flavored!" Gir shouted in greeting as the roboparents closed the door and retreated back to their closet. Zim shakingly pulled himself up to the couch and laid back against it.

"Victory!" he proclaimed, though his voice broke painfully, "Although the little smeet jelly's dwelling was more heavily guarded than I first surmised – especially the whole butter waterfall and lagoon with those boats made from toast slices – it was nothing compared to my glorious invasion abilities! Now I have her entire communications network bugged and will be able to see everything that she reports to her filthy superiors! And now..."

Zim hopped off the couch and marched over to an end table, the bottom opening to reveal a lift, "Computer! Take me to the infirmary!"


	10. Home Invasion

Chapter 10: Home Invasion

Dib and Vim prepared for the coming infiltration over the week. This preparation, of course, mostly consisted of Dib undergoing strenuous physical activities while Vim played the Gameslave with Gaz.

Finally, however, it came time to enact the daring and precise plan of infiltration. Vim and Dib, both dressed in dark ninja-like clothing, arrived at the front of Zim's house, gazing at the gnome filled yard. Strangely enough, Dib's outfit also had a set of concentric rings ending in a red dot at the center on the front.

"Are you ready?" Vim asked as a dramatic wind blew a completely out of place tumble weed across her path.

"I was born ready!" Dib exclaimed, "With both of us together, we can't fail!"

Vim's eye twitched. "Just follow the plan and try not to trip over yourself or get in my way."

"Yeah, about this plan," Dib began, frowning slightly, "Why am I always referred to as 'Strategic Cannon Fodder'?"

"It's a term of endearment," Vim replied gruffly, "Come on, we're wasting time."

Dib fixed a dubious look at his companion, but let the flimsy explanation slide for the moment, instead readying himself for the break in.

"Ready... steady... go!" Vim launched herself at the yard, the gnomes immediately turning towards her, their eyes glowing red. She lept up just as they fired lasers from their eyes, the bolts of photonic death hitting Dib square in the chest. As the gnomes were occupied with the screaming and twitching Dib, Vim took the opportunity to deftly decapitate the gnomes with some swift kicks to their heads.

Dib groaned and stood up, the dot on his chest smoking, before his eyes widened and he called out, "Vim! Look out!"

Vim whirled around to see two more gnomes charging up their eye lasers. She ducked and rolled, the beams passing over her and once again hitting Dib in the chest. With an impressive array of gymnastic bounds, rolls, and flips, Vim made her way over to the other two gnomes and savagely smashed them.

Vim walked to the door unassailed and impatiently waited for Dib to drag his still smoldering body over. "Took you long enough," Vim grumbled turning fully to the door, "Okay. This is the most important part of the plan. Are you ready?" Dib merely groaned in response.

Dramatically, Vim crouched, coiling like a spring and narrowing her eyes. Suddenly, she lunged forward... and pressed the doorbell. As she waited for a response, the blonde took out a box of ToastSnax(tm). Dib managed to recover enough to stand.

Slowly, the door creaked open, revealing Gir in his green doggie suit. He merely stood there, staring up at the pair silently.

"Hello, normal human canine!" Vim stated, "We are selling delicious treats. Allow us entry so that you may partake of our offerings!"

"Intruders!" Gir exclaimed, the head of the suit unzipping to allow a cascade of menacing weaponry to pop out and zero in on the pair. Vim readied herself for a fight, but before anything happened, Dib spoke up, "Please?"

The little robot paused then stated cheerfully, "Okee dokey!" The weapons retreated and Gir walked back into the house, waving the pair of intruders inside. Vim blinked in surprise but shrugged and stepped inside, peering around the strange house cautiously. Gir moved over to the couch and hopped up on it, squeaking quietly as he stared at the television.

The screen was displaying static.

"This is my favorite shooooow!" the little doggie disguise robot cooed.

"Okay, we're in," Vim said to Dib, "You've been here before. Guide us to his lab."

"Right! This is our finest hour! We will strike a blow to Zim that he won't likely recover from at least until dinner!" Dib posed heroically for a moment then ran into the kitchen, an irritated Vim following behind.

Minutes later, the two intrepid intruders had made it into Zim's lab beneath the house. "Okay, let's just place the bug and get out of here."

Dib looked longingly at all the Irken technology that surrounded him, "Can't we just take something?"

"Not today," Vim replied with a shake of her head, "Our mission is only to place the spy equipment, nothing more."

Before Dib could protest further, a mad cackling broke through the air. "What have we here?" Zim said, stepping out of the shadows with a menacing grin on his features, wielding a nasty-looking gun, "Pathetic Dib and his little alien helper trying to infiltrate my base? Ha! You cannot get the drops on the likes of ZIM!"

"I'm not an alien!" Vim cried out, shaking her fist, "I am a human be—oof!"

The blonde was silenced with a blast from Zim's gun. She struggled to her feet, smoke curling from her body. "Was that... supposed to hurt?" she asked rhetorically, voice clearly in pain.

"Yes," Zim replied matter-of-factly and zapped her again. She attempted again to stand, only to be met by another blast from Zim's gun. And another. And another. Zim again let loose with a long string of maniacal laughter that filled the lab.

Dib stared in horror. "I've got to do something!" he exclaimed and looked around the lab. With an acrobatic flip, Dib made his way over to a lever clearly labeled 'Beaver Release'. Dib pulled the lever, causing alarm klaxons to sound all over the lab, warning lights blinking angrily.

Zim ceased his laughing and looked around. "No! NOOO! The beaver containment system! What have you done?!" In a split second, the ground began to shake, followed closely by beavers – thousands of beavers – pouring out from every nook and cranny of the lab. They quickly overran Zim, beginning to square dance around him. "No! Don't! Not yet! Beavers, go back to your lair! I, Zim, your Lord of the Dance, command it!"

"Quick, Dib!" Vim called out, picking herself off the floor, "While he's distracted!"

"Right!" Dib shouted back, pulling a small device from behind him. It quickly sprouted spider legs then scuttled off into the lab, "Spy drone away!"

"Great!" Vim called, "Let's get out of here." She stood up on a nearby piece of equipment and pointed towards the exit, "Beavers, hear me! Freedom and straw hats can be yours!"

In an instant, the beavers were streaming towards the exit, with Dib and Vim riding along with the wash of furry bodies.

Back in the kitchen, a faint rumbling was heard just before the trash can exploded in a fountain of beavers which all trundled towards the still-open front door. Mired in the living carpet were Dib and Vim. Suddenly, the blonde Flargian let out a shriek, looking behind her. "No! My ToastSnax(tm)!"

There, in Zim's living room, was the box of tasty alien treats. Vim tried to swim against the crushing wave of beavers, but she was inexorably swept towards the door.

"Just leave it, Vim!" Dib called out, "It's just a snack!"

"Nooo! My ToastSnax(tm)!" Vim wailed as she and Dib exited the door and were pulled down the street by the stream of beavers.

Zim, broken and bruised, crawled out to the living room and stared out at his retreating army of dancing beavers. "My dancing beaver plan!" he sighed, reaching a gloved hand out as if he could grab the horde, "Ruined! RUINED! Curse that earthboy and that disgusting yellow gutslug!"

Zim rose shakily to his feet and glared out the door before shutting it with a slam. "They will pay for this outrage!" he roared, stalking back and forth, "Both of them will dearly pay! I will have to inform the Tallest. They will not be happy." As the little Irken paced, his feet knocked against the discarded box of ToastSnax(tm). Zim paused and leaned down to retrieve the object, peering at it.

"Humph. The yellow slime weasel dropped this," Zim murmured, "Accursed evil inferior snack. I will destroy it. BUT FIRST! I must call the Tallest and inform them of my victory over the vile dancing earth creatures!"

His mind already having rewrote the events that took place, Zim turned on his heel and walked back to the kitchen to once again head down into the lab.


	11. Prelude to the Invasion of Earth

Okay folks! It's been a long time coming thanks to that accursed Real Life and all, but here she is... the next chapter in the Competition Saga! Enjoy and give feedback.

Things will definitely heat up in Chapter 12.

* * *

Chapter 11: Prelude to the Invasion of Earth

Tallest Red and Purple stared down at the tray presented to them by the small Irken with a chef's hat. Each took one of the small squares from the tray and sniffed them lightly. Both Tallest then cautiously tasted their respective snack squares.

Both then gagged and spit them out, the saliva-coated snacks smacking the poor Irken delivery drone in the face.

"I can't believe this!" Red cried out in frustration, waving his arms, "Our best Snack Scientists can't reproduce these ToastSnax(tm) things? I mean, c'mon! What could they possibly be made of?"

The poor Irken with the tray shrunk back from his leader's tirade. Fortunately, he was spared any further abuse by a transmission from Earth.

Both Tallest groaned then turned towards the main viewscreen, which showed the scratched and bruised form of Zim.

"My Tallest!" Zim stated in greeting, saluting smartly, "Forgive me for not reporting earlier, but I had to avert an attack by the big-headed boy using an army of dancing beavers."

Purple arched and eyebrow, "I thought you had the army of dancing beavers, Zim?"

"Nonesense!" Zim exclaimed,"I had to defend by base from the pitiful attack, that is all! It was nothing for me, of course, and my incredible strategic genius. Anyway"

Zim was cut off by Tallest Red, who narrowed his eyes at the small box Zim was holding in his other hand, "What is that?"

"Eh?" Zim asked, looking down at then holding up the box, "Oh, this. A filthy box of inferior alien snacking, my Tallest. I was just about to destroy it. In fact, why don't I do that right this moment?"

"NO!" exclaimed both Tallest in unison, waving their claws at the screen. Zim paused, looking askence at his leaders.

"That's a box of ToastSnax(tm)!" Tallest Purple stated in a sotto voice to Red.

"I know! Does that mean the Earthanoids stole the Colossal?"

"That doesn't make sense... Zim said they barely had space flight, much less the ability for intersolar travel."

Purple shook his head, "Obviously, Zim was wrong. But besides that, the Earthers have ToastSnax(tm) technology! We must have it!"

"My Tallest?" Zim questioned after the pause, "Hello?"

"Yes, Zim!" Red stated, turning back to the screen, "Well, uh... we've decided that you've done such a good job with Earth that, uh... we're going to come and conquer it with the fleet!"

Zim blinked, "But... my Tallest, I have not quite prepared the world for destruction..."

"That doesn't matter, Zim!" Purple replied, "You've, uh... you've weakened... yes, weakened! Them enough that we'll just take the Armada and do the rest. Good job, Zim!"

Zim blinked again, mild confusion spreading on his features. But he saluted dutifully anyway, "Of course, my Tallest, you are wise beyond belief. I shall... prepare these hideous creatures for your coming."

"You do that, Zim," Red said with a nod just before the transmission cut off. He turned to one of the Irken soldiers and barked an order, "Set a course for Earth, maximum speed!"

"But sir," replied the Irken underling, "At that speed we'll leave most of the Armada behind. It'll take them hours to catch up with us!"

"Who cares?" Purple stated with a dismissive wave of his claw, "These earthers couldn't possibly do anything to damage the Massive. What could possibly go wrong?"

With those fated words, the underling laid in the course for earth and punched it at maximum speed. Quickly, the majority of the fleet with the exception of some of the larger vessels just barely keeping up, descended behind the gigantic Irken flagship.

Meanwhile, back on Earth in Dib's room, Dib and Vim watched a monitor in which the previous scene replayed. Dib gasped in horror. "Oh no, Vim! It's finally started! THE INVASION OF EARTH! Someone has to do something!"

Vim pondered a moment, frowning deeply before her lips began to curl upwards into an evil, vicious smile. "Yeah," she remarked slyly with a nod, "Someone should." With that said, the Flargian soldier leaped up and jumped from Dib's window and deftly flew down the side of the house before running off.

"Wait! Vim, stop!" Dib shouted from his window after her retreating form, "Were are you going! The earth is in danger!" If Vim heard his desperate pleas, she gave no response. Dispondant, Dib flopped back in his chair and sighed.

"Poor girl. She must have been overcome with the realization that the earth is soon to be doomed. But no!" Dib jumped from his chair and struck a pose, "I can't just sit here while Zim's race conquers the planet! I've got to DO something! It's all up to me! Dib, savior of the world!"

Having talked himself up to it, Dib immediately summoned some flying video conference viewers. "Agent Mothman calling the Swollen Eyeball Network. I have urgent news! The alien I told you all about is about to invade! We need to inform the President, and the Press, and the military and"

"Agent Mothman," a dark figure appeared on one of the screens, "What have we told you about using the network for this sort of thing?"

"But it's true this time!" Dib insisted, "Look at the screen!" Dib pointed to his computer which showed Gir happily snacking on a Monkey Suck.

"Uh, okay, it WAS there," Dib replied, "Look, you gotta believe me, Agent Darkbooty! The world is in danger!"

"We'll take it under advisement, Agent Mothman. Agent Darkbooty out."

"NOOOOOO!" cried Dib as he frantically tried to redial the SEN only to be greeted with an automated message: "We're sorry, you are far too crazy to be on this network. Usage is rescinded." Dib groaned and banged his head against his desk. Remaining there for several moments, Dib finally looked up, "Okay, so the Swollen Eyeballs won't be any help. I guess I have to go inform the populace myself!"

Dib stood up and quickly ran through the door and out of the house, heading in the direction of the city.

"So, you see, now would be the perfect time to strike at the Irkens with a surprise attack!" Vim finished telling the three computers that stared down at her from up high.

"Hmm... well, not a bad idea, Solider," said the middle computer, "But, as we said, we calculate that we won't be able to go up against the Irken Armada with our own current military."

"But we can field test our new weapons!" interjected the right computer, "Surely some of them will be able to do some damage. And it's not like they'll be expecting anything. I think Vim's plan is perfect!"

"Yeah!" chimed in the left computer, "We can have all our refitted ships at the Earth's system within the hour. Hoy, maybe even lay a few mines in that asteroid belt they got there!"

"I don't know..." the middle computer waffled.

"C'mon, pleeeeease?" the other two computers whined.

"Oh, okay. Fine. We'll do this sneak attack thing. Maybe it'll be fun!"

"Excellent," Vim replied with a proud smile, "The Irken Empire will feel the brunt of Flargian military might!"

"End of line."

The holograms all ceased to function, leaving Vim once more in her home away from home.

"Lookie what I found, Mistress!" Rid exclaimed cheerfully, running up to Vim and waving a deep purple small rounded device covered in jam and butter, "I tried to toast it, but I don't think it came out right."

Vim blinked and took the device from Rid, examining it curiously. She wiped a bit of butter away from the top, exposing the symbol of the Irken Empire. Vim glared and snarled, "Zim! He bugged my house! He knows about the plan! Quickly, Rid! To the Interceptor! We need to stop Zim from warning his leaders!"

"Yaaay, we get to use the big toaster!" Rid happily skipped along behind Vim as she quickly headed into the garage were her personal transport was kept.


	12. Come into my Parlour

Kind of a short chapter here. It's setting things up for the big finale. Hope ya'll enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 12: Come into my Parlour...

Zim scowled as he watched the viewscreen with Vim reporting to her computer masters. Suddenly, a large robotic face appeared on the camera, peering into the screen before a toaster and several condiments came into view from below. Immediately afterward, the transmission cut off into static.

"Foolish non-earth slimebutt!" he snarled, leaping from his chair, "She dare thinks her pitiful race can stop the mighty Irken Armada! Ha, I say!" Zim whirled on Gir, "Quickly, Gir! To the Voot Runner! I must warn the Tallest when they arrive."

"Um, y'know," Zim's computer piped up, "You could just... call them right now to warn them. No need to go travel."

"SILENCE!" screeched Zim, pointing an accusatory finger at a convenient display screen, "This is far too important to leave to hyperwave communications! I must go in PERSON! No doubt the Tallest will reward me greatly for my perseverance!"

"Yeah, whatever," the computer replied as Zim ran from the room to go and retrieve the Voot Runner, Gir happily skipping along in tow.

"And so you see, we don't have much time!" Dib exclaimed dramatically from his position on a soapbox, "The aliens will be here any minute! We, as the free peoples of earth must defend our countries – nay, the WORLD! from these hideous invaders! This is our finest hour! Are you with me?"

The crowd erupted into cheers.

That is to say, the one lone hobo watching sorta gave a wheezing hurrah.

"You're right!" The hobo stated, "I remember when my cousin's planet was invaded by aliens. Oh, man, it was bad that day, let me tell you." Dib just stared at the vagrant before he began to trundle away, "I will warn everyone else, too! The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming!"

"Okay, one filthy hobo down... just several billion people to go," Dib remarked as he watched the figure disappear into traffic before sighing and hanging his head. "This is hopeless! I'll never be able to warn everyone by the time the Armada arrives. There's gotta be something else I can do. C'mon, Dib, think..."

A moment later, Dib raised his head and grinned widely, "Yes! Of course! Dad's asteroid repulsor! It may not be much, but I might be able to hold them off just long enough for earth to marshal a defense. I really need to stop talking out loud to myself one of these days." With his plan in mind, Dib raced off back towards his house and the asteroid repulsor therein contained.

Meanwhile, in space, the Flargian fleet sat in waiting for when the Armada would arrive, hidden as they were behind Jupiter and in the asteroid belt. Although a patchwork of older weapons platforms melded with stolen Irken technology as well as new ultra-deadly vessels, the Flargian fleet was certainly a sight to behold.

Just then, the Massive appeared in the system with it's small contingent of escort ships. blissfully unaware of the trap they were waltzing into. The trap became immediately clear when several of the escort ships were ripped to pieces by explosions on entering the asteroid field.

"What was that?" Red asked to some subordinate.

"Sir! It appears the humans have mined their asteroid belt! We've lost two of our larger ships and several smaller escorts!"

Red blinked once then scowled, "Curse you, Zim! Man, you'd think he could have warned us about that. Well, do any of the explosives pose a danger to the Massive, soldier?"

The technician operating the terminal read the strange glyphs before shaking his head, "No sir! Just primitive plasma bombs, unable to scratch the Massive's hull."

"Well, then, there's no problem is there?" Purple replied with a grin, "C'mon, let's get going. ToastSnax(tm) are awaiting!"

"But sir, our escort ships"

"We have lots of other escort ships on the way," Red stated with a dismissive wave of his clawed appendage, "But if you really want to, just tell the other ships to stand back. We'll just conquer Earth ourselves."

Dutifully, the subordinate nodded and performed the warning.

As the Massive passed through the asteroid belt, being pelted by explosions, suddenly the hidden Flargian fleet roared to life and began to swoop in on the scattered smaller fleet now split from the Massive. Surprised and outnumbered, the Irken fleet scattered amid the bolts and beams of energy that surged around them.

"Sir!" the subordinate back on the Massive said, "Our fleet... is under attack!"

"What! By whom?" Tallest Red asked in mild annoyance, "The humans?"

"Unknown, sir! Their ships don't match any known configuration!" A silhouette of some of the attacking ships with analysis data scrolled across the main viewscreen on the Massive.

"Hey!" Tallest Purple exclaimed, pointing indignantly to the screen, "Those power signatures are close to ours!"

"The humans have stolen our technology!" Red exclaimed, just as indignantly and obviously incensed, "Alright, fine. That does it. Turn the Massive around and let's wipe these guys out. Then we can take Earth with no trouble."

The Massive turned in space and began to move back to the Irken fleet now suddenly fighting for their lives, their military discipline and training not having prepared them for such a surprise attack. As the Massive approached the ensuing battle, however, a shadow appeared behind Jupiter. It grew larger and larger until it came into view.

A huge spaceship, made predominantly in the Irken design, but again with alien bits and pieces grafted to it. The ship was a stark black which faded into the inkiness of space around it, the shape only really visible by the stars it blocked out and the sickly purple glow of it's engines behind. Atop the gigantic starship was a single lance-like structure which throbbed with power.

Both Red and Purple stared in disbelief at the screen.

"It can't be."

"It is!"

"The Colossal!" they both said in unison.


	13. The Battle For Earth

Whew, finally! Here it is, the action packed chapter for the fate of Earth! Who will win? What will happen? Can I pass my finals? To find out, read!

Oh, and after this? Just one last chapter to go. We're almost to the end, people! Woot!

* * *

Chapter 13: The Battle for Earth

Zim's Voot cruiser soared up into the sky, quickly passing into the stratosphere and into space beyond. "We must hurry, Gir!" he stated to his robotic companion, still dressed in his lime green doggie suit, "The Tallest will be here any second!"

"Yaaay! I's finally gonna be a moooon-baby!"

Zim glanced over at the small insane robot and was about to say something when the entire voot cruiser was rocked. "Eh!" Zim exclaimed, his hands flying over the controls, "What was that!"

"Hello, Zim," Vim said as she appeared on one of the monitors in the cruiser's cockpit, a vicious grin on her features, "You didn't really think I'd let you escape and warn your leaders about my little trap, did you? Ah, a fine day, indeed. Caught by surprise and with your own technology to aid us, we'll obliterate your space fleet. Victory will be ours!"

"Understand this, vacuous meat-thing," Zim replied with a scowl, "There is no way you're pathetic fleet will be a match for the great Irken Armada! You'll all be destroyed like so much puffy... space... rice... stuff. Of exploding!" He waved a hand dismissively, "Besides, nothing can stand against the Massive. Not even you with your insignificant attempts at reverse engineering."

"Oh no, Zim?" Vim replied slyly, "I think we have a way of dealing with the Massive. Oh, yes."

"Eh?" Zim asked suspiciously, "Impossible! There's nothing that can threaten the height of Irken engineering!" He paused briefly then continued, nearly shrieking, "NOTHING! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, INFERIOR HOSEBEAST! TELL ME!"

Vim merely smiled then cut the communications channel. Again, Zim's voot cruiser was rocked by an explosion. He hissed in disdain, "First I'll deal with that yellow pest, then I shall warn the Tallest. With my abilities, this shouldn't take long at all!"

Zim's cruiser shook with an impact as he was hit, warning lights blinking and an alarm klaxon howling. Zim and Gir screamed, but the Irken Invader quickly recovered his wits and put his hands back on the controls, swirling around in space with Vim's more angular ship. Zim's eyes narrowed, "All right, Vim. Let's see your pathetic skill."

Back on earth, Dib raced towards home, stopping only briefly seeing Gaz playing a game on her gameslave.

"Gaz!" Dib shouted excitedly, "We're being invaded! Zim's race is going to conquer earth if we don't do something!"

Gaz growled low in her throat but didn't answer.

Dib looked agape at his sister, "Don't you even care that we're all about to be subjected by a vicious evil alien race!"

Gaz's eye twitched as she glared at her brother. The look sent Dib stepping backwards with his hands up before he turned and raced downstairs. He, alone, would have to defend earth, it seemed.

"Dad!" Dib said as he jumped into the lab where Professor Membrane was working, his back turned and an erie blue glow siloutting him, "I need to use the asteroid repulsor!"

The older scientist turned and looked down at his son, "Mmn? The asteroid repulsor? Why do you need that, son? I haven't detected any asteroids on a collision course for earth."

"We're being INVADED!" Dib cried, sounding very much the madman, "By ALIENS! I need to stop them and the asteroid repulsor is the only thing that will work! Please, dad, for the good of all mankind!"

The Professor paused then chuckled, shaking his head as he dug in his pocket and procured a small key with a rabbit's severed foot attached. He tossed the key towards Dib and raises a hand, "Here you go, son. Go ahead and play. But I don't want you to destroy the earth this time."

"Dad, I'm trying to save the earth!" Dib replied as he ran out, key in hand, "Thanks, Dad! I'll give it back after the world is safe!"

Professor Membrane sighed and turned back to the bench, shaking his head, "My poor insane son. Well, back to welding this cat and curious dancing beaver I discovered." The blue light once again filled the lab.

Back in space, the Irken Armada were fighting desperately for their lives. Disorganized and outnumbered, even the superior technology and military training of the Irkens was proving to be inadequate for fighting the Flargian troops. Still, it was a war of attrition and the Flargians were taking many more casualties than the Irkens were; nearly three ships to one.

Alarm klaxons blared on the panicked bridge of the Massive, military personnel running around as they tried to keep the ship operational and firing. The old repaired Colossal had proven to be quite formidable; her weapons even managed to pierce the Massive's armor and take out one of the huge power generators that the vessel required. Still, the Colossal was not undamaged, with quite a few holes in her own hull and some severe damage to internal systems.

"Bring us around for another pass!" Tallest Red called out his order, "And when will the rest of the Armada arrive as backup?"

"Not for another half hour, sir!"

The bridge was rocked by another explosion as the Massive was hit again, the lights dimming slightly.

"My Tallest! The auxillery generator has been hit! We have automatically switched to emergency power!"

"Bring primary power back on-line!" Purple shouted, "We can't fight them just on emergency power!"

"But sir! The system integrity grid is down to thirty-percent of norms and--"

"JUST DO IT!" both Red and Purple shouted in unison. The soldier nodded and went to work, Red turning to purple, "I don't know how, but I know somehow someway this is all Zim's fault."

"GIR! This is all your fault!" Zim screamed at his little robot companion, the control panel of his Voot Cruiser sparking from the damage sustained, "If we had just stayed home and CALLED the Tallest--"

Zim's recriminations were cut off my the smiling, static filled face of Vim on one of the monitors, "Forget it, Zim. You can't win against me. Surrender now and maybe I'll just stuff your spindly little body and mount it on my wall as a trophy of war!"

"How!" Zim seethed at the monitor, "How did you become so adept at flying? No one could be this good. NO ONE IS AS GOOD AS ZIM!"

"That's my little secret," Vim replied, patting the GameSlave beside her off camera, "But will you surrender? This is your last chance!"

"NEVER!" Zim cried out, shaking his fist, "I'd sooner be blasted into the miserable earth sun than surrender to the filthy likes of you!"

"That can be arranged, Zim," Vim hissed back, cutting off the communications channel and slowly approaching the crippled Voot Cruiser, hanging beaten and broken in space. Vim grinned evilly. This was it. Nothing could stop her now. Nothing.

"I'm the only one who can stop them!" Dib shouted to himself as he sat in the huge gun-like contraption, pointed at the sky. He placed the requisite helmet on his head and looked through the scope, only to be shocked at what he saw.

A fierce battle raged in the heavens, hundreds of ships locked in mortal combat, dozens on fire and burning in the vacuum of space. One one side were clearly the Irken Invasion Force. But on the other, some unknown aliens.

"This is strange," Dib remarked to himself, "Who are they? Why are they helping us? Do I trust them?" Dib frowned in thought before nodding, "Right. I have no choice. I have to trust them. Okay, time to lob some asteroids at these would-be conquerers!" Dib seized the controls and picked out a nice big asteroid, maneuvering it into position until he could fire it towards the warring vessels.

Back in space, Vim closed on Zim, savoring the moment she would deliver the coup de gras and snuff out the annoying Irken once and for all. Her illusionary thumb hovered over the controls for a moment then began to descend.

Just then, though, her ship was nicked by a large asteroid. Out of control, the Flargian soldier careened towards Zim's Voot Cruiser and smashed into it, the pair of them heading for earth, fire from friction in the atmosphere boiling away around them. A hail of screams came from the occupants of the two ships as they raced back towards earth. The glow from their superheated ships and smoke from the damage made them eyesores for the few humans that looked up and gawked at the pair.

"Yes!" Tallest Red exclaimed happily as the rest of the Irken Armada finally arrived, turning the tide of battle immediately in favor of the Irkens, "Right, let's show these humans who's boss!"

Just then, an asteroid rammed into the side of the Massive, causing several control panels to erupt in a hail of sparks. "What was that!"

The main viewscreen changed to show several large asteroids hurling though space towards the Irken Fleet. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me," Purple stated, watching the screen in horror, "They're throwing asteroids at us?"

'This wouldn't be a problem if the Massive was at full power. But with all the damage we've sustained..." Red's voice faded off before he turned towards a subordinate, "Okay, that's it! We're pulling back for repairs. Tell the fleet we're retreating, but we'll be back. Oh, yes... we'll be back and take revenge on these Earthanoids!"

The soldier paused briefly then nodded, relaying the retreat order, the Irken Armada quickly pulling away from the system. The Flargian fleet, badly damaged and reduced to a fraction of their original numbers, also turned to limp home. But they had scored an important victory; the Irkens were not undefeatable. The myth of Irken military control had been seriously shaken up.

"I did it!" Dib cried in elation, jumping up with joy, "I saved the world! They ran like... uh... like... runny things that run fast when they saw those asteroids coming for them. Yeah." Then Dib heard the faint murmur of voices emanating from the street below. He looked over the edge of the raised platform where the repulsor sat, eyes widening at seeing a crowd below, armed with bats, rakes, scythes, a chihuahua with wide staring eyes and a lobotomy scar... anything they could pick up. Leading them was that filthy hobo Dib had spoken to earlier. Curious, Dib made his way downstairs.

"I got everyone I could!" the hobo stated proudly to Dib, "Told 'em about the alien invasion and all. We're ready to fight 'em!"

Dib blinked. Several times, in fact. "Uhm, heh heh," he stated sheepishly, "Well, you don't need to worry about that anymore. I saved the earth from the aliens. They're gone!" Dib smiled proudly.

"Hey!" one of the people in the crowd shouted, pointing a melting ice-cream towards the boy, "I know him! That's Dib!"

"Crazy Dib?"

"Yeah! The crazy one always talking about aliens and bigfoot and all that other crazy stuff! He's crazy!"

"Wait, no!" Dib called out desperately as the mob turned to go, "There was an alien invasion this time! I swear! You gotta believe me! I'm not crazy!"

"I can't believe I fell for this crazy kid and his hobo."

Dib sighed and turned away, shoulders sagging. "Well, again, no one believes me. But I saved the world, right? Yeah. So it's still a victory. Right." A large shadow spread across the ground over Dib, the big headed boy turning around to peer up at the very angry hobo looming over him.

"You have humiliated me in front of the town!" The hobo began, "By ancient hobo law, you now become my slave until such time as the debt is repaid."

"Wait, what hobo law?" Dib asked with an upraised eyebrow. His expression quickly changed to one of terror, a scream escaping from his lips as the hobo grabbed him and dragged him off down the street.

With a resounding crash, the two ships smashed into Zim's house, depositing the contents of each into Zim's living room. The force of the impact had dislodged Zim's contacts and hairpiece, the Irken sneering, "Well, it seems your pathetic display has played right into my hands. You are at my mercy!"

"What are you talking about, Zim?" Vim asked, brushing herself off and pointing at the wreckage of his Voot Cruiser, "You lost! I had you right where I wanted you!"

"That's what you think, fleshpod!" Zim growled, "House! Intruder alert!" Instantly, robotic hands flowed down from the ruined ceiling and began firing lasers at Vim, Zim howling with evil laughter.

"Rid!" Vim stated, dodging a blast from the house computer, "Help me!"

"Gir! Defensive mode!"

Rid and Gir both glowed bright red and saluted their masters turning towards each other and narrowing their robotic eyes. A cashe of vicious looking tools and implements of destruction popped from Gir's head, moving threatening towards Rid. The other little Sir unit concentrated a moment before two slices of toast popped from her head, the robot offering Gir one slice.

"Toast!" Gir squealed happily, the menacing instruments retreating back into his head as he grabbed the bread and sat down with Rid to watch the battle between Vim and Zim, absently gnawing at the toast.

Vim leaped off the wall, hands outstretched to grab the Irken about the throat, a stray laser bolt knocking off her watch and causing her form to shiver and reveal her in all her alienness. With her claws around Zim's throat, and Zim's pack opening up to reveal his spider legs about to impale the other alien from behind, both combatants stopped and slowly turned towards the door.

Or, where there should have been a door.

Instead, the door was knocked off it's hinges and a crowd of amazed people stood, staring at the two aliens. Both Vim and Zim smiled widely for the audience before creeping away to gather their disguises, returning themselves to human form.

"Nothing to see here, folks!" Vim stated, "We were just, uh... practicing. For the school play! Costumes!" She waved her hands wildly to illustrate.

"Yes! Costumes! For a play," Zim added with a vigorous nod, "Bow before the mighty thespian abilities of ZIM!"

Apparently mollified by this reaction, the crowd of people slowly began to disperse, leaving Vim and Zim glaring at each other.

"This isn't over, Zim," Vim hissed, pressing a button on her watch which caused her space craft to lurch from it's embedded position and fly off into the sky, headed for home.

"Indeed it isn't," Zim growled back, "You will beg for death before the end, trout-child!"

"What does that even mean!" Vim asked exasperatedly before shaking her head and walking to the door, "Nevermind. I'll be seeing you, Zim. Don't you worry. And you'll wish you hadn't. Come, Rid! We go home!"

"No, my yellow stink-beast," Zim purred dangerously to the retreating forms of Vim and her robot, "It is you who will wish you never crossed paths with Zim!" He whirled on his own robot, "Gir! Begin repairs! I shall be in the lab."


	14. Epilogue

Here it is, the last chapter! After all this time, the story is finally finished! Woot!

I actually had a hard time ending it, so I apologize in advance for the crappy ending.

I also wanted to say thanks to all those who have been following this story and written reviews. You guys rock! Especially The Architect MkII, Karivan, Invader Meow, wrrohm, and Gamefan.

So, anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 14: Epilogue

"The surprise attack was a rousing success," stated the towering figure of the middle computer as it and the two others loomed over Vim, "Caught disorganized and unprepared, the Irken fleet was severely damaged by our onslaught."

"Unfortunately," the left computer chimed in, "There were quite a few casualties on our side as well. We lost, uh... over half our total fleet in the battle, with the remaining ships all severely damaged."

"Truly a glorious day for the Empire!" squealed the right computer happily, "The families of those Flargians who gave their lives for the victory over the evil Irkens will receive an autographed copy of our FunRoms as well as a nice fruit basket."

"Don't forget the complimentary packet of condiments!"

"Oh, yes, of course! How could I possibly forget those! Yes, truly, our generosity knows no bounds."

"There is another consequence to our rather, er... Pyrric victory, Solider," the middle computer cut in between the two other's jabbering, "With all of our fleet down for repairs, and with the numbers reduced as they are, we're having a hard time holding the Empire together. As a result, we can't really justify invading another planet just at the moment."

"Which includes Earth," piped up the right computer quickly.

"So," Vim stated slowly, "You're saying I'll have to remain on this watery rock for a while yet?"

"Only until our fleet is repaired and replaced," the middle computer stated quickly, "We estimate no more than thirteen standard galactic rotations."

Vim's jaw dropped as she stared at the holographic projections of the computers in front of her.

"I see you're speechless from pride," the left computer stated, "Don't worry, though! I'm sure we'll get around to conquering earth real soon now. In the meantime, continue your operations there. Attempt to subvert the world governments, gain information, make sure the Irkens don't take it before us, that sort of thing."

"End of Line," all three stated together before fading, leaving Vim in the dark room in her house.

She mulled over this wrinkle in the plan for a moment before turning to Rid who was happily making toast-angels with scissors, "Rid! I have a plan. Come with me!"

Out in space, the massive Irken starfleet, bruised and battered, sat in various states of repair. The Massive itself was in dry-dock, the second time it's needed such repairs since the incident with the Resisty.

Both Red and Purple were in foul moods. They had failed to conquer earth. They had failed to get the ToastSnacks(tm). And, somehow, they knew Zim was responsible. The viewscreen flickered form a moment before Zim's face appeared on the screen.

"My Tallest!" the sycophantic Invader greeted, "I have to warn you about a treacherous trap being laid for when you invade Earth!"

Red's left eye twitched spasmodically. "We know, Zim," he said, trying to keep his voice level, and managing with an effort, "We ran into it. I thought you said the Earthanoids didn't have any space presence to speak of?"

"Eh?" Zim asked, blinking his red eyes, "They don't, my Tallest. Those ships were from the vile race that I told you about earlier. The one with designs on my assignment and who left these inferior snacks." Zim raised the captured box of ToastSnax(tm) in front of him before glaring accusingly at them.

Both Red and Purple's jaws dropped. "Wait," began Purple, "You mean to say that the Earthanoids don't even HAVE ToastSnacks(tm)? That it's some OTHER race? And that we almost invaded that horrible rock for no good reason!"

"What we mean to say, Zim," Red cut in quickly, "Is that we have a new mission for you on Earth. We want to know more about these aliens who have the ToastSnax(tm). Divert all your attentions to finding out about them. Especially where their homeworld lies!"

A confused expression passed over Zim's features. "But, my Tallest, what about the invasion of Earth?"

"We, uh, we think you have the situation well in hand there, Zim," Purple quickly stated, "No need for the fleet to go there, really, when you're quite capable of handling them, right?"

Zim smiled smugly and nodded, "Your wisdom shows through like the blinding rays of a reactor going critical. I am so amazing, true, that using the fleet to conquer this pathetic ball of dust and liquid would be a waste. Very well! I will continue with my brilliant operations to crush these foul bone-sticks. And, of course, gather the other information you seek."

"That's great, Zim," Red stated dismissively, "Just be sure to get us the coordinates to these new aliens' homeworld. Now if you excuse us, we have to laugh derisively at one of the Snackologists here. Bye now!" The transmission abruptly cut off.

Dib walked through the door to his house and abruptly collapsed on the floor, face first. He was a mess, but managed to drag himself further inside. He blinked, though, at the scene before him. There was his sister playing a GameSlave, but right beside her was Vim, also engaged in the activity.

With renewed vigor, Dib stumbled towards them, speaking excitedly, "Vim! You will never guess what happened! After you ran, I succeeded in saving the earth!"

"Uh huh," Vim responded without a trace of care, continuing to stare at the screen.

"You see, I tried to warn the people of earth, but no one would believe me," Dib babbled on, "So then I thought: Hey! I can use the asteroid repulsor to lob asteroids at the aliens! It worked like a charm."

Vim paused briefly in her game playing then turned slowly to regard Dib with a murderous expression. "YOU were the one lobbing asteroids everywhere?"

"Yes," Dib stated proudly, "I saved the earth! Ha! Humans one, Zim's race... uh... none, I guess."

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Vim shrieked, about ready to pounce on the pointy-haired child, but paused then flopped back into her seat, returning to her GameSlave, "After this game."

Dib staggered back, hesitated, then ran for the upstairs.

Vim smiled thinly as she played on the GameSlave, "Y'know... I think I'm going to like it here."

The End


End file.
